This year looks like it will be hard but at least, perhaps, interesting. I'm taking a moderate number of APs (including chem!... that exclamation mark could either mean great or terrible things which will reveal themselves in the near future), have the director of the school plays as my english teacher, and am taking studio art. Those are the highlights as they appear to me right now.

So right now it is 10 o'clock on the first day of the school year. I don't know if it's because it's the first day and I'm just tired from that, or because I then went straight to the pool where I worked as a lifeguard for five hours (at my pool, at this time, it's not a strenuous job, believe me), but I feel as though I am already sleep deprived and drowning. I guess that's not good, but reading it over it sounds pretty normal and more than a bit of an exaggeration. Also, it's 10 and I'm about to go to sleep so there is a high probability it will all be better in the morning (there's also a high probability that it won't be, but I'm being optimistic, for the sake of anyone reading this).

I miss my old latin teacher. He was great. I also miss my old bio teacher, but I'll get to still see him in the halls and hear stories about him and his adventures with this year's crop of ap bio-ers. I saw him wearing a tie this morning. It made me laugh. He's not a tie kind of person.

Speaking of laughing, I intend to laugh more often this year. And stay happier in general.

I wish I could say this year is off to a good start but it wouldn't be quite true. Oh well, better hope for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next week, and the next, and the next, until it's summer again. It'll come later and sooner than I wish.

All this makes me remember that there's no escaping the fact that I'm now one of the Big Kids. This afternoon I had to scold an 10ish yearold because he almost went in the pool when there wasn't a guard up on the chair. I wonder if it'll stick to him as the scolding of lifeguards past did to me.

I'm a junior. I guess I'm old enough to be one because I am one. A Big Kid. I don't like it. But at the same time, I do.

I wonder what will happen this year.

Best wishes, Claire.

.~oOo~.

There are consequences of not following certain social norms. Friends are a decent chunk of the price I pay. Paying doesn't hurt anymore, though- if it ever did (it might not have, I don't remember).

I love being a teenager. You feel like there isn't a you anymore- you aren't yourself but you sure aren't anyone else either. You feel like you have lost your personality. There was definitely a "you" in the past, when you were a kid, and you know there's definitely going to be a "you" in the future but right now, there isn't some defining characteristic that you can call your own. And often times, the harder you look for that "you" in yourself, the more shallow you feel. You look at other people the same age and think either "they've been playing guitar since they were in second grade and they can do math like nobody's business, what am I doing that could measure up to that?" or "that person is pretty much the same as everyone else, I definitely have more personality then they do...but what if I actually don't and just don't know it?" And the worst part is there is no conclusive answer to any of it. So you tell yourself not to worry about it- to move on and stop thinking such shallow thoughts- but it just ends up being one of those things you keep thinking about, along with your favored gender, school, what other people think of you, and other such topics of angst and utmost importance. I guess it's okay though, <insert reassuring, cliche'd reassurances that we all go through a stage of hopelessly searching for ourselves sometime>. In my experience, other people, when told about these thoughts, often attempt to reassure you by listing things that make you stand out to them. Honestly, if someone cares enough about you to do that, and if the list is longer then two things, believe them.

(Note: I liked who I was when I was younger (yes, I'm still extremely young and naive but I am so in a much more awkward and self-aware fashion, which makes all the difference). Other people my age didn't like me, but I still wish I were her, but older. Except I am- I haven't morphed into a whole new genera of person like a lot of teens do. That doesn't mean who I was hasn't been covered up and buried by a whole bunch of crap that comes with puberty, like caring what others think, and not having the time or self confidence to be actually creative. [At the same time, I know that I used to be a brat- in the sense that I refused to learn anything which I could not see the direct positive outcome of. I'm pretty sure I'm less like that now, and it's a definite improvement (as I said, the problem isn't fixed, I'm just aware of it more now).] I just wish I still had that spark of ingenuity (not the right word- more like unthinking creativity) I use to carry around with me in my pocket. I've digressed from the original intention of this note, which was something like this: Even the people who want to estrange themselves as much as possible from the "little dorks" (or some such) that they were when they were a kid, they still go through this, just with a different slant.)

~That might or might not be all I have to say, but that's all I am going to say (as per usual end of rant/discussion of pubescent thoughts andor feelings/whatever this is). [I note my surprise that my "note" is around as long as my main musings.] Anyway, I'm going to go learn a programing language, and try to squeeze As out of classes I have 89.4%s in, and all that jazz (or maybe I won't). Ta.

.oOo.

PS: If you happen to catch (/have caught) any spelling andor grammar mistakes, I would like to know about them. Since I've caught at least three already, there must be more in there somewhere.